ok so here i am in sunny florida visitin family. ...i hate it. it's not so much that i hate family as much as they seem to hate me (only behind my back) it's not a nice place to be --- actually the entire family was decent. i actually had a good time. everybody's computer is cleaned out updated with the newest versions of anti-virus firewalls....any other graphics programs they requested and i'm talkin' 5 days of this shit or 5 computers but everybody's happy ---i got to feast on a grand ceasar salad and so the parade of company has slowed...i stay with my older sister and now my sister and her husband have left for their big rig cross country job and i have this house all to myself for 1 more day. wee. i am this excited only because after returnin from a visit with mom/dad and my other sister...i can now DO WHATEVER I WANT! so for this one more day all's i gotta do is uninstall all my shit from my sister's computer/save all my work to cd disk/ clean out her system again pack to go back home and...who knows what with the final hour i'll have left ->double wee .... and now/this very second as you read this and as i am sittin here uploading this magazine to the internet... a gigantic palmetto fuckin bug as big as tyrannosaurus rex zooomed across the kitchen floor/ i caught it through the corner of my eye.. i will not remove myself from this computer chair...good night (SOMEbody - rescue me!)

woodpecker paradise

the built-in pool
is submerged above ground
upon a grassy mound
and to the right
of this mini middleburg mansion
sits a small white wood-sided bungalow and
so it’s been told
he grew up in
this tiny house
as a child in tampa
moved this bungalow to
where he resides now neatly
sprawled upon a few acres and
he lives around the block
from my family
in hot sunny bug-yukky
florida – u.s.a …

mother and dad are great
country-western fans
i am not a country-western fan
great or otherwise
nor
am i familiar with these
legends
past or present but
that’s their
gig

every time i visit
mom brags about
meetin’ up with
this one at
a local convenience store
and she shook his hand
once
also
my younger sister waitress'ed
him when he
frequented Famous Amos
for coffee

i have this memory
memorized
now and now
this is a really big deal
to mom and dad and
sis
and maybe most
country western
fans

so ok
a celebrity is
a celebrity

i have my camera and
the opportunity

my sister drove
parked hundreds of yards
away alongside
this legends home
on an unused (at the moment) dirt
road
and i got out
walked across the main
off to
the side inside
sticker weeds
and i began snappin’-
different angles
and i got some
good ones then
suddenly
a man appeared
inside the lens
stridin' leisurely
down the drive
toward
the mailbox

i crossed the road
up to
the man (i didn’t really recognize)

“are you slim whitman?” i asked

“certainly am” he replied offerin’ his left hand
and i shook it with my right

i told him the story of mom dad and sis
explained i was photographing his home
for them as a surprise
and he said “take as many as you like”

“hey is it true that that little white house
over there is the one you grew up in?” i asked

“that’s where the wife stays” he divulged nonchalantly

i bypassed the remark

“i grew up in Tampa….that’s where the wife stays”
he let drop -again

“o!” i exclaimed brushin’ off
the implication “ can i get a shot of you?”

and he posed quick as
a pro against
the oversized
mailbox the mailbox
with black vinyl
whitman sticky
letters
peelin’
down
and
i got the shot

i waved my hand overtop
my head signalin’ my sister
to wheel down here
get a shot of me and slim

she didn’t see me !bitch!

“if i had a pen...” i said to slim “…i’d ask
for your autograph…”

“if i had a pen…” slim replied “…i’d give it
to you.”

i thanked him
we shook hands
again
and off he strolled
leisurely up
the drive back to
woodpecker paradise
and
i crossed the street
wavin’
my arms in
the hot southern air

she picked me up

i lit a cigarette
pulled tiny stickers
from my dollar shoe shoes/laces
flicked them out the window

she missed the entire scene
pickin’ up junk
from the floor in
her minivan
doh

back at the house
i printed the photo
gave it to mom
bragged about shakin’
slims hand 2x’s
and she laffed
when i told her
i think
slim was kiddin’
about the wife
stayin’ in
the little white